Friday, November 6, 2009

ANTI-TRUTH 101 TO THE RIGHT'S RESCUE!



























You liberal scum and your pathetic naivete! Don't you panzies know we're over there so we don't have to fight them here.Pay no attention to what happened in Ft. Hood. If our troops were over here more of them would be dead because they would have died in accidents or had heart attacks anyway. Victory is close as soon as we get General Nuisance 40,000 more troops and we should be sending more troops to Iraq and not pulling them out.





If you democrat liberal surrender monkeys would shut up and let John Boner cut taxes and listen to President Bush we wouldn't have these 78 trillion dollar deficits that Obama is going to double when he gives ACORN another twenty trillion to teach kids cultist pro Obama songs like "In The Ghetto."





Unemployment is at ten percent you commie pinko maggot socialist fascist bastards. I'll bet that makes you happy because that mean more people leeching off government welfare and unemployment which Obama just extended another 17 years so these lazy deadbeats will never get off their mooching asses and get jobs.





And speaking of jobs, outsourcing to China creates good paying jobs. You liberal racist pigs hate the Chinese because they have better manners than you so you harm our economy by trying not to let good, pro working American groups like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce outsource jobs China so we can create good jobs here.




And when will you bleeding hearts get off this silly, panzy crap about health care being a right. The only right we have under the Constitution is to bear arms. And if you try to force health care on real Americans we'll bear arms to protect our privilege not to have health care.
And while we're on health care, who do Obama and that gestapoesque attorney general, Eric Holder think they are bailing out big financial companies. They could have cut taxes and we'd have more money to spend on things that trickle down and we would be out of debt because tax cuts means government has more money because it takes in less and the wealthy deserve the biggest tax cuts because they spend the most because they have more money and the responsibility of having to spend more money because they have more.





While we're on the subject of global warming, it's November and it's not very warm right now so you must be full of crap about this global warming nonsense you Chicken Little liberal sky is falling government leeches. And don't feed me your lines about Al Gore says, and the polar ice caps are melting. They're made of ice morons! Ice is supposed to melt or we would call it something else that doesn't melt like shiny rock or something. You and your scientists think you know everything!





I'll tell you what else you don't know. Nobody tells us Tea Bag Party protesters where to go. We get on the bus that takes us where we go to protest big government boondoggles and spending on stuff that takes our freedom like closing Guantanamo and not letting us torture terrorists.
There. Now maybe you red loving, Stalinist, Chairman Mao loving pinko commie liberals will understand what it means to be a real American!


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

TWO FACED



The 15 betrayals of Joe Lieberman told here.

Monday, October 26, 2009

REQUIEM FOR AN ASSHOLE. NEWT GINGRICH- NIHILIST OF THE WEEK
























At some time in every man's life, except for we of the Nihilist lack of faith, he reflects on what he's done and asks why he was such an asshole.






This is Newt Gingrich's time of asshole reflection.





In New York, many conservatives are turning away from the republican party pick for Congressman in favor of a third party candidate. The split may enable the Democrat to take a seat that has been in republican hands for decades.
Newt is not only making amends for his past assholeness by supporting the republican party pick over the conservative. He has also incurred the wrath of the neocon's self appointed conscience, Professor Donald Douglas.
There is no better way for a conservative to come to his senses and make amends with all that is sacred than by pissing off Professor Douglas and finding himself on his shit list.
Congratulations Newt Gingrich. Although your sexual peccadillo's earned you a seat at the Nihilist table of heroic dishonor, your act of redemption through pissing off the Professor has earned you an even higher dishonor...
Newt Gingrich. Nihilist of the Week.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

BLOG ACTION DAY: ENERGY, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND THE INDIGNANT DESERT BIRDS OF WILLFUL SELF-DESTRUCTION


The enemy of realism is hubris.
- Reinhold Niebuhr -

It takes a special humility to understand our place in the natural world. Yet our mythology places us on a pedestal and speaks of man as made in the image of his creator, of man having dominion over the fish of the sea, over the fowl of the air, over cattle and every creature that creeps upon the earth, even over earth itself.

In our American history texts, we read of Manifest Destiny, of a relentless expansion from sea to shining sea in search of territory, resources, and prosperity. Throughout American history, many historians have noted, abundance meant freedom and freedom meant abundance.

Notions of abundance and freedom turned the gears of the Industrial Revolution, which relied upon the labor of immigrants who arrived in waves to pursue their share of the American Dream. For these immigrants, dreams of abundance and freedom outweighed all deprivations including discrimination by class, race, religion, and ethnicity.

World War II turned America into an economic superpower. After the war, America possessed almost two-thirds of world gold reserves, more than half of the world’s manufacturing capacity, and exported two-thirds of the world’s goods. The relationship between abundance and freedom had become no longer the privilege of the few, but the birthright of the many.

For a nation that equates abundance with freedom and freedom with abundance, it is ironic to note how rapidly fortunes can change, and how the sudden scarcity of a once abundant resource can lead to economic decline. By 1970, as the supply-demand curves for domestic oil production crossed, America turned into a net importer. As America imported increasing quantities of oil supplies from the Mid-East and goods from Europe and Asia, the largest creditor nation in the world turned into the largest debtor nation … within a generation. Today, the United States consumes 19.5 million barrels of oil daily and imports 57% of its minimum daily requirement from foreign suppliers. With proven petroleum reserves of 21,317 million barrels, the Unites States has less than a three-year supply beyond which our nation will be totally dependant on foreign oil (source).

Of course, there are critics, pundits, and politicians who rally around the flag with chants of “drill, baby, drill!” Drill off the coasts of Florida, they say. Drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. More opinionated than informed, what these novices and neophytes do not know: ANWR contains less than a year's supply of oil at current consumption rates … and will require 8 to 10 years before production begins. There are nincompoops who want to strip away the Bekken oil sands of North Dakota and the oil shale slopes of our Rocky Mountain States. At least 30 or more years of oil, they claim, but what they do not know is that less than 3% is recoverable … resulting in colossal environmental damage for negligible gain.

Grow our way out of the energy crisis, still others say. Distill ethanol from corn and switch grass; but what these advocates do not consider is the enormous spike in food prices as agricultural land is diverted from food to energy production. Furthermore, a 70% increase in food production will be needed just to keep pace with projected worldwide population growth. Ethanol offers no solution beyond a good stiff drink.

Even our good friends at Google have joined the ranks of Internet punditry with this expression:


What it means is “renewable energy for less than the cost of coal.” It is a statement about energy economics but little else. It tells us that any hypothetical alternative energy source must compete with coal, the lowest priced energy commodity, to be economically viable. It says nothing about why non-combustible sources (such as nuclear, solar, wind, and geo-thermal) must be considered within the context of global climate change.


We cannot separate the energy crisis from the climate change crisis. In economic and environmental terms, both are two sides of the same coin. From the Industrial Revolution to the present, energy consumption has lead to a substantial rise in atmospheric levels of greenhouse gases. Levels of carbon dioxide, which account for 62% of all greenhouses gases, have nearly doubled since 1750. Methane, which accounts for 20% all greenhouse gases, has risen 155% during the same period. Eventually, natural forces reabsorb and remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, but these processes unfold over 50 to 200 years. Thus, greenhouse gases remain in the atmosphere for generations … even if emissions were stopped today. Most disturbing of all, the International Energy Agency (IEA) predicts a 52% rise in greenhouse gas emissions by 2030 … a mere 20 years away (source).

We approach global climate change as just another problem to be solved with good old American ingenuity. We cite the Manhattan project, the national highway system, and the space race as shining examples of past glory. However, global climate change is more than merely a technical or structural problem. It has deep historical and cultural roots and a system of unspoken values instilled from the beginning of civilization and passed from generation to generation.


“America is addicted to oil,” former President George Bush declared in his State of the Union address on January 31, 2006. Was the President signaling a dramatic shift in American energy policy, or were these merely pious words meant for the history books? Scarcely a day after the President’s speech, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman issued this disclaimer: Don’t take the President literally. In other words, there will be no addiction therapy under this president.

The Arab Oil Embargo of 1973 was a warning shot. Almost 40 years later, we are still dithering as if our energy policy paralysis is the sum total of our mythology, our culture, our national heritage, and a cowboy lifestyle that refuses to face reality. More than these, our current energy debate mirrors the current healthcare debate: There are entrenched interests hell-bent on protecting their lucrative and filthy franchises.

ExxonMobil gave $1.6 million to the American Enterprise Institute in an attempt to undercut the findings of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), a report widely regarded as the most comprehensive review of climate change science. The Bush administration sought to further undermine public understanding of the issue by censoring the key findings of climate scientists. Thus, our government, under pressure from the oil lobby, suppressed meaningful data to influence the debate.

Manipulating public opinion is easy when you are the CEO of Big Oil with money and lobbyists and politicians in your pocket ... and you can always find a willing mob of malcontents and misfits ready to do your bidding. In the weeks and months ahead, Big Oil will be staging Astroturf events to protest new climate change legislation … groups such as Energy Citizens organized by the American Petroleum Institute whose members include Anadarko Petroleum, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, and ConocoPhillips, among others (source).

Let me digress for a moment to offer another Genesis story. It begins 400 million years ago between the Devonian and Carboniferous Periods, when the earth was hot and humid long before glaciers and the polar ice regions were formed. As newly evolved forests drew carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and fell where they stood, buried under layers of sedimentary rock, the climate cooled and glaciers formed.

Hundreds of millions of years later, a peculiar Pleistocene creature walked the earth. In short order, man learned how to dig up this long sequestered carbon and burn it to cook his food, warm his homes, build cities, make microchips, trinkets, Barbie dolls, Hummers, and a myriad of things to delight and amuse himself far beyond his basic survival needs. In less than 25 generations, this peculiar Pleistocene creature returned to the atmosphere as much carbon as earth had sequestered over hundreds of millions of years. This is what is known as the anthropogenic cause of global climate change.


Meanwhile, the National Defense Institute explored the potential impact of global climate change as a threat to national security. Its conclusion: Vulnerable regions such as sub-Saharan Africa, the Middle East, Asia, and the island nations of the Pacific will face food and water shortages, catastrophic flooding, unprecedented refugee crises, religious conflict, and the spread of contagious diseases. These will demand massive humanitarian aid efforts and/or a military response (source).

There will always be voices in the crowd who keep hearing messages the dead have stopped sending. There will always be voices arguing, not for the common good, but from pure self-interest. Implementing public policy changes are difficult at best, and we can understand these quirks of human nature with all due respect, but time is running out. Our worst nightmares have yet to unfold.

Cross-posted at The Swash Zone.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

REPUBLICANS CONTINUE TO EMBRACE "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL"


Several Republican Lawmakers have reaffirmed their support of "Don't Ask. Don't Tell."
We can only wonder why they would do this.

Friday, October 9, 2009

PUBLIC ENEMAS



Earlier this week, newly elected Senator Al Franken sponsored an amendment to a defense appropriation bill that stops funding for any defense contractor that denies women their right to legal redress for sexual assault. The measure passed by a margin of 68 to 30.

More revealing was the vote breakdown. All Democrat and all GOP women senators voted for the bill, not exactly an earth-shattering example of partisan division. However, all GOP men voted against. In their worldview, the interests of capitalism far outweigh the rights of women … and trump all crimes of sexual assault and rape. Here is the complete list of male sexist GOPigs:
Alexander (R-TN), Barrasso (R-WY), Bond (R-MO), Brownback (R-KS), Bunning (R-KY), Burr (R-NC), Chambliss (R-GA), Coburn (R-OK), Cochran (R-MS), Corker (R-TN), Cornyn (R-TX), Crapo (R-ID), DeMint (R-SC), Ensign (R-NV), Enzi (R-WY), Graham (R-SC), Gregg (R-NH), Inhofe (R-OK), Isakson (R-GA), Johanns (R-NE), Kyl (R-AZ), McCain (R-AZ), McConnell (R-KY), Risch (R-ID), Roberts (R-KS), Sessions (R-AL), Shelby (R-AL), Thune (R-SD), Vitter (R-LA), and Wicker (R-MS).
May their wives punish them with the Lysistrata treatment until the end of time.

Source: The Huffington Post.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Donald Douglas: Complaining when folks don't protest, complaining when they do.

So where are the Obama administration antiwar protests? As we can see, those on the left so far will only blame Bush - they're irked that Obama's "continuning Bush's policy" of military force. - American Power: Where Are the Obama Anti-War Protests? - Saturday, January 24, 2009

And for the most part, these remain anti-Bush protests. It's almost like President Obama's not even in office. I'll take these nihilists more seriously when they start burning Obama in effigy. - American Power: Antiwar Groups Launch 'March of the Dead' Protests: Cindy Sheehan Arrested; Bush Derangement Lives! - Monday, October 5, 2009

Yep... To Donald, anti-war protest is still all about Bush...

Now maybe back in January, four days after Obama's inauguration, thinking that the Bush administration was responsible for most of the actions being taken by the US military at that time was appropriate. But note that back in January, Dr. Douglas was asking why there were no anti-war protests against President Obama's actions.

And now, when there are anti-war protesters outside Obama's White House--leaving aside for a second the fact that in right there in Donald's January post, he links to the fact that there were anti-war protesters at Obama's inauguration, and more planned for March, 2009--is Donald happy? Of course not. Now protests aren't good enough... Now he wants them burning President Obama in effigy. (And when they do that, Donald will shift those goal posts yet again, and claim they're not "real" protests until someone does something even more drastic...)

It's getting to the point when poor Donald will say anything, if he thinks it paints the left in a bad light. And the anti-intellectual Beckerheads on the right just keep sucking it all in, then regurgitating it all right back out into their echo chamber... and no one (& I mean NO ONE) is any the wiser for all that hot air...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

GOING ROGUE? YOU BETCHA!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Locking up the Innocent

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain


Amazing.  Simply amazing.  I read headlines like this and think to myself, "What country do I live in?"  Check this out: NYC terror suspect pleads not guilty, kept in jail

The man pled not guilty, yet they're keeping him in jail anyway.  What part of "not guilty" don't they understand?  It might make sense to keep him locked up if he had admitted he was guilty, I mean, assuming he wasn't making a joke.  But someone who says they're not guilty?  What sort of justice system is this?  Whatever happened to the presumption of innocence? 

And the main thing to remember is that this guy's an Afghan immigrant, so we really owe him something.  After all, we sent our imperialist troops to his country, sullying his native land with our impure materialism and infidel religion, and we were guilty as hell.  Yet our troops roam free, even after admitting to the murders of thousands of his people, while this guy remains locked up for merely wanting to murder ours.  Where's the justice?  Land of the free?  Ha!  More like Land of the Jailed.

I could understand if we had caught him redhanded trying to pray to God in our schools or reciting the bible he keeps hidden away in his home.  It just makes sense to lock those sort of people away, because you just know they're going to do it again.  But this guy didn't do anything except want a little payback for all the horrible rotten things America has done to his people, like not letting them conquer our country and institute Sharia Law around the globe.  And if that's a crime, then I guess they'll have to lock us all up. 

In fact, I think that's just what we should do: As a sign of solidarity with this guy, we need to have ourselves arrested immediately for conspiring to destroy America.  Starting with you, we're all going to turn ourselves in for being treasonous traitors of America and demand to be locked up in the same jail as Najibullah Zazi.  That'll teach these non-fascist SOB's who they're dealing with.

BTW, check out this artist rendering.

Is that Zazi, or General Zod's silent partner?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Re: American Power: NBC News to Americans for Limited Government: 'Bite Me, Jew Boy'

Same bullshit, different day.

One person at NBC news allegedly sends a bigoted e-mail, which to Dr. Donald Douglas (& smear-mongers like him) means everyone at NBC news is responsible.

Typical sweeping generalization, and refusal to treat individual people as individual actors, because the urge to attack for partisan gain trumps all logical thought.

"What is highly disturbing, however, is that there clearly is a culture at NBC that has allowed this person who clearly has issues to go unchecked."

- Americans for Limited Government, as approvingly quoted by Donald Douglas, at American Power.

There is no such thing as personal responsibility for clowns like these. Every action you take is on behalf of your political party, or your race, or your employer, or ..., or ... (Unless of course, it's a fellow con who misbehaves... then it's denials that s/he was ever one of "us," and "bad apples" theories, as far as the eye can see...)

People like Donald should be ashamed, but the chances they ever will be are slim to none.

(It should go without saying that whoever sent that e-mail should be even more ashamed, but with the wingnut crowd, any failure to "denounce and renounce" a bad actor is tantamount to committing the bad act yourself, so yes, it was a bigoted e-mail, and yes, whoever sent it should be shunned by all right-thinking Americans.)

More info: memeorandum

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Donald Douglas likes to delete posts.


Rather than ignore or argue with my post, Prof. Donald Douglas preferred to delete it. I thought his logic was particularly specious here, and since I know he has no trouble deleting posts, I decided to make a screen-capture of the offending post before it was deleted. I'm going to try to post it again, but here's this screen-capture if he decides to delete it again.

(Shorter Donald: King says homosexual marriage is the road to socialism, and since neo-Stalinists are in the forefront of marriage equality, therefore homosexual marriage = socialism.

(Slightly shorter Ben: Homosexuals also like chocolate, therefore gay sex = chocolate.)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

JUNIOR NIHILIST TRAINING CAMP UP AND RUNNING


The dream has finally been realized. On orders of Chief Nihilist Repsac who decreed we must do something about all the babies we failed to abort in our last ACORN sponsored "Abortapalooza, the all new Professor Douglas Memorial Junior Nihilist Training Center has been christened at the former compound of Warren Jeffs' cult.
In addition to learning the latest techniques of debauchery and vote rigging, Junior Nihilist are also taught Chinese and the secret handshake so Hugo Chavez knows he can trust them.
As part of the curriculum, Junior Nihilists will be infiltrating junior colleges in California spreading the message of hedonism. Taxing the rich and entering strip clubs without paying the cover charge.
It is said that children are our future. Yes. We're screwed.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

NOMINATIONS FOR NIHILIST OF THE YEAR NOW BEING ACCEPTED


Of all the worthy candidates for Nihilist of the Year, I can think of none more worthy than my friend John.
John's latest feat of Nihilism was finally showing up for work on Labor Day. John said he thought because none of the other days were called Labor Day he didn't have to work so he stayed home and took a nap.
Management tried in vain to discipline John but being the experienced union bargainer he is, he not only won his grievance and got back pay for all the days he didn't show up. He also had all his sick and vacation time returned due to managements "gross misunderstanding."
John is famous for the great Nihilist work avoidance phrases "Let's take a break before we get started" and the universally renowned "That's not in my job description."
I asked John why he never bothered to copyright these great quotes and he told copyrighting wasn't in his job description and he needed to take a break before starting on that anyway.
John was also famous for filing and winning grievances demanding Milky Way Bars in the candy machine and Rascal Wheelchairs for any task that required moving.
In a time when so many are demanding we do more with less, John thumbs his nose at the do gooders and self appointed moral watchdogs by doing less for more. Nihilism at it's finest.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Nihilist Action Alert: Obama's True Birth Exposed

Special Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain
siren
This is it, guys. The moment we've all been dreading has finally arrived. That's right, somehow, unbeknownst to our global spy network and Obama Youth Listening Schools, those damn birthers found their holy grail and they took it with them to their 9/12 Tea Party Protest.

Behold, in all it's glory: The One's true birth certificate!


Please note the signs of authenticity, like the cheap Kenyan flag, as well as the plain white posterboard backdrop, lending it all the authority of an elementary school science fair project. Even the asymmetrical design is undeniable proof that this is the real deal. And note the size of that footprint; entirely consistent with the replica size ten birth shoes we all store in our Obama tote lockers.

And just to be sure, here's a super close-up of the flag, magnified one thousand times:

There can be no doubt about it. That is definitely Obama's birth certificate. The kerning says it all.

And sure, we've already got a few nihilist agents at that Flickr site trying to put the kaboosh on that thing, but what's the point? They've got it and they know they've got it. Why else would they have taken it with them to DC? We're just fooling ourselves if we think the cat might possibly get back into this bag. I understand McCain and Palin are already on their way to Washington as we speak, while Justice Roberts prepares for the real swearing-in ceremony. This time, with feeling.

And so now it's time for Plan B. That's right, nuclear annihilation. We need to blow this puppy up while we still got our hands on the button. So grab your special supply of nuke rations and head down into the shelter you were told to build under your house last year. It's going to be a looooooooong winter.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

NIHILIST JUNIOR COLLEGE PROFESSOR VOWS TO KEEP ACORN FUNDED


A big Nihilist shout out to Professor of Business and Political Science Roland "Candy Pants" Guevara of Long Beach Community College.
When Roland found out that ACORN would no longer be getting money from the government he quickly came up with a business and marketing plan to make up the difference.
" Not being allowed to provide business and tax advice to pimps, whores and drug dealers goes against everything we Nihilists stand against provided we're already up" said Professor Guevara. "We're just going to have to sell some candy until we can get Murtha to sneak a 100 million into an unrelated program so we keep these people on the job and off welfare" Roland added.
Several right wing Nihilists demanded a tax cut to raise money for ACORN. Joe Wilson said he would make that motion during the next session of Congress to which Dennis Kucinich shouted "You lie!"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Something Going on in (a fantasy version of) America: a 9/12 Roundup and Branding

If there's one thing nihilists believe in--and there isn't--it's math. It is our total and unyielding commitment to math--which we don't actually have--that contributes to our essential anti-Christian attitude: because whether Christian atheist, Jewish atheist, Muslim atheist, or pagan, all nihilists know that there's no way something could be both one and three at the same time.

(Or as a Turkish convert to Christianity is reputed to have said when asked how many Gods there are, "None at all . . . You have told me all along that there is but one God: and yesterday I ate him." (Quoted from Jenny Diski's review of An Intellectual History of Cannibalism.) I think we could all learn something from this wise nihilist.)

Given that leftist-nihilists like us have this unending and possibly homosexual love for math--which, again, we don't actually have, but if we did, it would be homosexual--it makes sense for our conservative counterparts to define themselves as being anti-math. Which helps explain some of this animus towards unPresident Obama: in the non-Euclidean universe which is just next-door to ours, McCain is actually the president, having beaten Obama, 60 million to 70 million. (In this non-Euclidean universe, McCain has to deal with unspeakable, antediluvian, cyclopean horrors from out of space, but I hear he has several in his administration, which should ease the tension somewhat. As alternate universe Sarah Palin put it, "You know the difference between a hockey mom and Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young? Lipstick.")

Now, this anti-math attitude also helps us explain the 9/12 turn-out and the reactions to it. First, although there were around 60,000 to 70,000 people there according to reliable sources like the D.C. Fire Department, you have to understand that each and every one of these people clearly represent about a million more at home who were too scared of Obama's SEIU thugs and ACORN pimps and the coming race war to come out to the rally. (For the coming race war, see Dan Riehl on how some black teenagers sassed him on a bus by talking loud enough for him to hear.)

Second, well, maybe a million at home for each attendee is a little exaggeration, but to be fair we should count the people who mistakenly thought the rally was on 12/9, not to mention those brave Minute Men who came out between 9:11 am and 9:13 am, but who moved too quickly for cameras to see. (Keep in mind that many conservatives are ex-military special ops American ninjas--they actually can move too fast for you to see. Though the trail of snack food crumbs tends to give them away.) And we have to count the number of people who said quite proudly on their blog posts and comments, "I'm with you in spirit." (Spirit attendance does count, which is a fact you can use to get out of all sorts of events with the in-laws--you know, those events which you care about, but just not enough to send your actual body.)

Third, okay, so maybe there weren't a million people there (although this photo from 1997 sure looks crowded and this article on Obama's inauguration is probably really about the 9/12 march (for real)); so maybe Matt Kibbe of FreedomWorks could have checked before announcing that ABC had reported that there were 1million to 1.5million; and maybe Tabitha Hale could have checked before she decided that 1.5 million meant 2 million; and Malkin could have checked; and Donald Douglas could have checked. But that's where us leftist relativist nihilist math-lovers--I can't believe what I saw you do with the number 5 last night--get it wrong: it's not about the numbers, man, it's about the feelings. It's like, remember the first time you did a line of coke off a health-care reform bill, and you were all, like, "whoa, we're all connected," before going out to abort white babies and promote metrosexuality--which is the slippery slope towards homosexuality and, eventually, sex with numbers? That's what it's like for these protesters.

In our relentless fascist/nihilist way, we're missing the importance of feelings to this protest. See, it doesn't matter that there were only 60-70k people in Washington D.C. protesting to make sure that when they get sick they'll be dropped like a hot potato. What matters is that they were connected, sharing the same misinformation and impotent rage. If feelings were counted like votes, then these protesters would be the beginning of something in America.

Of course, in our universe--thank Cthulhu and the number pi--feelings don't count like votes, so it also matters that each of these protesters was only connected to 59,999 to 69,999 other people.

And that fact would probably sting less (I'm looking at you, Michelle "Teeny, tiny fringe, huh?" Malkin) if only you hadn't hyped your 2million without checking.

[Addendum: I almost forgot to mention this, but while Prof. Douglas is rah-rahing over the 2million--plus infinity of patriotic martyrs who are there in spirit!--turnout for the Tea Parties (which, let us remember, are traditionally attended by invisible friends, so, that checks out), he's also doing a joyous song-and-dance about the purge of Charles Johnson/Little Green Footballs from conservative blogrolls--which is a song-and-dance he's done before, so you know a) how much he enjoys and b) how effective that purge must be. Now, you might think that party purges are no way to build an effective majority out of a minority movement, but that's where you'd be swayed by the insidious nihilism of numbers. Douglas can bravely cheer on the purges and the movement precisely because, in his mind, the movement is already the majority.]

Obama's Commandos of Love

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

ABC News has a story about how U.S. commandos just killed an Al Qaeda operative in Somalia. But naturally, the liberal media has glossed over how this operation actually occurred, leading people to believe that it was a helicopter strike that finally brought justice to Saleh Ali Nabhan. But it was nothing of the sort. The reality is that these commandos killed Nabhan in true Obama style: That's right, they hugged him to death.

In fact, here's how the entire operation occurred. First, Obama gathered every world leader into a conference room in Geneva, curtsied, then politely asked each of them for permission to wiretap Nabhan's phone while he messaged their scalps with fresh herbs. They all agreed, assuring Obama repeatedly that they really did want Nabhan killed and weren't just saying that to be polite.

Next, a team of highly paid ACORN officials listened to Nabhan's phone calls, with a team of FISA judges approving each call before even a word could be heard. And after each call, Obama personally called Nabhan's contact to apologize for having inadvertently listened to their half of the conversation. And if any of these people objected to Obama's infringement of their right to privacy, they were sent an iPod Touch, pre-loaded with all of Obama's speeches. Several of Nabhan's friends could only be mollified with promises of overnight stays in the Lincoln bedroom and Obama happily obliged, acting as their personal host until they were ready to leave.

Finally, after eight months of vigilant surveillance, taking all possible efforts to ensure that they had the right guy, a team of commandos dressed in politically-correct Muslim attire waited beside the road where Nabhan was expected to be, and upon seeing his car, stuck out their thumbs like hitchhikers; in order to ensure that Nabhan only stopped if he wanted to stop. They also held signs that said "Warning: U.S. Commandos" in various languages.

Nabhan stopped and the commandos explained who they were and that they wanted him to go with them so they could humanely execute him. Nabhan thanked them for their honesty and said he'd be happy to go with them. They then issued Nabhan a court-appointed attorney who established that Nabhan understood that the commandos intended to kill him and that he was under absolutely no obligation to stay. He said he understood and was willing to go with them. He also signed a waiver forgoing his right to a fair trial, which would have been witnessed by a jury handpicked by Nabhan.

After that, they took him to a nearby hut, where they let him sit in a comfy chair and gave him a daiquiri to sip while he recovered from the heat outside. Once he assured them that he was ready, they received his permission to change into their commando uniforms (pictured below), and began singing Kumbaya in seventeen different languages while performing a very complicated regional dance that was a favorite of Nabhan's from his childhood. He began to feel weak. They then gave him a gentle group hug while quietly chanting "Hip hip hooray" in Nabhan's native tongue. He died moments later, with a large smile on his face.

Upon ensuring that Nabhan was dead, the commandos swallowed cyanide pills, as they couldn't bare the shame of having taken a human life; even one as evil as Nabhan. Then, the commandos' superior committed suicide, for having issued the orders, followed by the guy who planned the raid. Finally, the FISA judges killed themselves, while Obama, Biden, and the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff wept. In fact, the only people involved who didn't kill themselves or weep were the ACORN officials, who were too busy concocting new ways of destroying America. (Hint: It involves tax fraud and prostitutes.)

And so that's how this operation really went down. Conservatives were right. Obama really is a softie when it comes to fighting terrorists. That's why Bin Laden released another audio tape yesterday. Because if it had been a video tape, people would have seen Obama bowling in the background, as OBL's been sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom ever since he called Nabhan back in March. But he has assured Obama that he'll be ready to be killed by commandos once the indignity of being overheard on Nabhan's wiretap is over. Obama thanked Osama for his honest feelings, then refilled his daiquiri glass.