The American Nihilist Manifesto

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain
(aka, Dr. Bionihilistwordsmithian, 
Dr. Biopostmoderndenialism. 
Dr. Biodenialistnihilistmaximalistfluffytrickster,
and Dr. Biovampiredenialistlosermaster)

Fellow American Nihilists, having deployed much epistemic relativism and ignominious spin-doctoring, we have finally made it through the incredibly perilous threat of potential American awesomeness known as the Bush Administration, and it looks like our nihilist infiltrators in the media and netroots were successful in convincing the vast majority of Americans that the awesome country they live in totally sucks eggs.

And even better, they are now blaming this imagined suckiness on that tenacious manly man who we all fear, President George W. Bush.  Our postmodern vision of a world gone mad has sunk in at last, making all the economic prosperity and patriotic euphoria that surrounds us appear to be stupid and lame. And for that, you are all to be commended.

But yet, it appears our work is far from complete.  No, there are still a few courageous hold-outs who have proven themselves capable of withstanding all of the relativist revisionism we've thrown at them and can still recall how awesome and successful President Bush truly has been.  And leading the charge is none other than the master of pre-modernism himself, our arch-nemesis and eternal foil, Associate Professor Donald Douglas and his fearsome gang of do-gooders at PJ Media.  

Blaming Bush

Indeed, the blackguard truth-mongers at Pajamas Media have given the pro-victory Professor a platform from which he capably touts the unquestionable success that President Bush has brought about.  As he says:

It’s an iron law of politics that these end-of-term numbers will provide confirmation for those bloggers, pundits, and scholars determined to condemn the Bush administration as the worst in American history.

For average Americans, it’s most likely that folks are simply tired of long and costly wars, fearful of economic uncertainty, and hopeful for vigorous leadership in the new Democratic era

Jumping Nietzsche, it's like he's totally read our playbook!  Because he's absolutely right.  People don't hate Bush.  They just hate the war, crumbling economy, and lack of leadership that they fully associate with President Bush.  And to blame Bush for those things would be like blaming slavery for the Civil War or blaming Bush for vacationing while a major US city drowned.  What a lark!

As Donald realizes, most folks don't think the Bush Administration is the worst in American history.  They're just letting off a little steam, that's all.  And for as much as us postmodern denialists have been able to work that to our advantage, it looks like Professor Douglas just ain't going to let it happen.  He's holding the line against our revisionism and realizes that "the George W. Bush presidency will likely be seen in time as one of the greatest in American history."  

It's like we've been doing all this work for nothing!

The Great Man Speaks

But even worse than this is that Professor Douglas has the proof readily available that conclusively seals his argument.  He's not just whistling Dixie when he says that Bush will be considered on par with Teddy Roosevelt.  He can tell us why, too: Because of speeches Bush read aloud.  That's right.  Bush had the courage and conviction to recite a speech written by somebody else and, as with all great men in history, this is enough to secure his place amongst the best of them.  And he did this not once, but three times!!  Professor Douglas cites three speeches Bush made that put him into the league of the greats!  Damn!  How can we possible erase that from history?

As the Professor says:

President Bush’s farewell speech vigorously encapsulates the essence of greatness that marks this administration and that will shape its historical legacy. Here we see — in a forceful statement of presidential culmination — an unabashed, unparalleled declaration of good versus evil in the world. It is this vision — perhaps more than any other thing — that drives the president’s political enemies wild. Today’s postmodern, progressive culture abhors moral righteousness and thrives in the multicultural equivalences of radical secular humanism.

Wow, he's totally got our number with that one.  Us postmodern progressive multiculturalists are really driven wild by Bush because he's so morally righteous.  That's exactly what has been driving me batty all these years.  It has nothing to do with the long litany of excuses we give for denouncing Bush.  It's really just because he stands for truth and justice and the American Way.  Man, it's like Donald's tapping our phonelines or something!

And sure, the Gettysburg Address, which the Professor said was evoked by Bush's farewell address, was actually written by Lincoln, while even Bush's supporters acknowledge that words really aren't his thing.  But Bush inspired those speechwriters to write those words for him, and hey, that's pretty great too.

The Re-History Begins

And so, while the battle to get Bush out of Washington has at last ended, the real battle has only just begun; and it looks like we have much work to do.  It's not enough that we successfully corrupted Bush's image with the people.  Our next step must be to help rewrite the history books and not allow them to record Bush's message of peace, prosperity, and American Exceptionalism for future generations to see.  While even Bush's supporters can't find one outright success to put on Bush's manly resume, he's got those words that somebody else wrote for him; and as long as people can read those words, all our efforts were for naught.

And that is why I found it necessary to join the depraved ranks here at the American Nihilist.  Somebody must stand up against the tyranny of the righteous and good.  Somebody must be there to oppose the forces of kindness that threaten to brighten the shores of our land and give hope to a future we long to keep dark.  No longer can we stand idle while our children are given a glimpse of the perfect glory that is our nation. No longer will we allow our Founding Fathers to torment us with their vision of a greater morality or hamper us with their biblical-based legal structures.  And most importantly, our land must be ridden of that which is the scourge of our postmodern denialist nihilism: Objective Truth. Somebody must be there to fill the world with falsehood, obfuscation, tolerance, and hate; and those somebodies are us: The American Nihilists.

So grab your welfare checks, your press passes, and your slimy polecat dictionaries and go forth and spread the bad word!  America is undeniably a wonderful land that has done no harm and has only gotten better under the auspices of the wise and courageous Bush.  No one must know about this!  My fellow American Nihilists, make it so!!!