Battlestar Nihilist

It was 1978 and a man had a unique vision and inspiration: To create the Star Wars of television. So he took the concept of Wagon Train (previously used by Star Trek), gave it the depth and seriousness of a Saturday morning cartoon, and then embroiled it with the glitz and glamour of a shiny plastic discotheque; and thus was born Battlestar Galactica (aka, Wagon Train to the Stars II).

And sure, some may have dismissed Galactica as cheap crapola; silly kids stuff meant to cash-in on a far superior product. But us American Nihilists knew better. We knew that beneath the fluffy veneer of Galactica’s embarrassingly lame appearance lurked the heart of an ethical code that would have spelled certain doom to the nihilist way of life. With their moral certitude, sense of purpose, and easily identifiable bad guys, Battlestar Galactica was sure to strengthen America’s receding moral boundaries and instill a sense of duty in its citizenery.

And so we had it killed and eventually replaced with a soul-sucking multicultural nihilism that would surely make all forget what had lurked before it. There would be no moral righteousness. No yearning for self-preservation. And never again would viewers be able to recognize evil-doers as those in shiny metallic suits with darting red eyes and creepy synthesized voices. By creating strong female characters and complex storylines, this new Galactica would surely undermine America’s values and make great strides towards destroying everything holy and good. And with this rip-off of a rip-off's rip-off, we thought ourselves safe.

Return of Starbuck

But alas, despite our best efforts, not all have forgotten Galactica’s once noble past. Indeed, one of the most moral of all its participants refuses to allow the true incarnation of Battlestar Galactica to be forgotten. That's right, Dirk Benedict (aka Starbuck, aka Dirk Niewoehner) remembers. And with his character's strong ethical code as a "flirting, cigar smoking, blatant heterosexual," we are all totally screwed.

As Dirk writes:

Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. Hamlet does not scan as Hamletta. Nor does Hans Solo as Hans Sally. Faceman is not the same as Facewoman. Nor does a Stardoe a Starbuck make. Men hand out cigars. Women “hand out” babies. And thus the world for thousands of years has gone’ round.

That's absolutely right, which is why it's our mission to stomp out such practices. Once we can convince men to hand out babies while women lie around shooting cigars out of their hoohaws, victory will be ours. But not with Starbuck around. He remembers the first time they ripped off Star Trek to cash-in on Star Wars. He remembers that it's men who are strong and women who do laundry. And worst of all, he remembers when Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan, Kathryn Hepburn, and John Wayne saved the world from evil Cylons.

And so it is obvious that we have no other recourse, my fellow nihilists, than to destroy Dirk Benedict's career. That's right. This sort of anti-nihilist machoism must be punished, lest other moral actors rise up and bring back the ethical principles of the once forgotten rogues they embodied. And before you know it, we'd be back to the days when a man could have sex with a different woman every episode and never have to worry about paternity suits or condoms.  And our sons would soon forget our immoral teachings to treat women as equals and would instead begin to flirt and smoke cigars, while our daughters lay around in hospitals, handing out babies; just as God had intended for them to do.  

This cannot be allowed to happen.  We must bring immorality and inhumanity back.  We must destroy the God-given desire to have sex with chicks. We must destroy Dirk Benedict!!

Update: It appears that this essay of Starbuck's is actually four years old and looking at Mr. Benedict's listing on IMDB, it appears you people were already ahead of me.  Good work, nihilists.  Dirk Benedict will never work in this town again!