Historical Rewrite of the Day

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

Here's what happened: While meeting world leaders, Obama forgot he wasn't at one of our secret anti-everything conferences and accidentally shook the hand of America's greatest enemy: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. And were Chavez a mere mortal American like Obama, he too would be spending his nights in the nihilist re-education box that Obama has been subjected to since the incidence. Because now the real Americans are totally on to Obama's pro-Chavez sympathies. I mean, who could possibly shake hands with anyone that they didn't wholeheartedly agree with on everything? No one. I'm sure the articles of impeachment are being drawn up as I write this.

And somehow, this incident didn't escape the attention of the ever-ballsy Bill O'Reilly, who immediately realized that this was bad for humanity. Fortunately. our über-leftist denialist infiltrator Alan Colmes was on the scene and attempted to do some damage control spinmeistering by pretending that the much beloved American President Richard Nixon once met with Chinese Communist great, the immortal Chairman Mao Zedong.

But needless to say, O'Reilly sniffed out that subjectivist smear and put in a total smackdown, pointing out that Nixon only met with China's Prime Minister, who wasn't any kind of monster at all. That's the difference between a nihilist getting caught eating a Big Mac versus eating a gruel-based Big Mac-like substance. Not the same at all. I mean, the former is a capital offense punishable by death, while the latter is a mere misdemeanor that warrants loss of the right to speak for a few days. Similarly, everyone knows that Zhou was no Mao; thus, Nixon was in the clear.

So all is lost, right? Wrong. In comes Media Matters, with the patently phony suggestion that Nixon actually did once meet with Chairman Mao, and even shook his hand. And that's an absurdity on its face, but hey, we're subjectivist nihilists. Absurdity is what we do. And it looks like their fantasyland suggestion, backed by Grand Master George Soro's evil blood money and all the nihilist rewritingness of the entire moonbat blogosphere was enough to alter reality.

Mao ZeNixon

In a sight that can only be seen to be believed, I present to you the latest product in historical revisionism. Ladies and Gentlenihilists, a photograph of a Nixon-Mao exchange that never happened.



It sends shivers down the place your spine once was, doesn't it? I mean, this never happened. It's a complete fabrication. Bill O'Reilly said so. Bill Freaking O'Reilly!! And yet, here it is. A photograph. Media Matters' subjectivism was so solid that the entire historical record has been altered and even Bill O'Reilly's awesome objectivism wasn't enough to prevent it from happening. And it looks like Nixon is even smiling in this picture. Simply incredible!

And this is just the beginning. Before long, we'll have pictures of history's wisest leader, Ronald Reagan, agreeing to reduce nuclear weapons with Soviet leaders and visiting the Evil Empire. Maybe a picture or two of the great military genius Donald Rumsfeld meeting with evil dictators like Saddam Hussein. And who knows, maybe we'll eventually be able to completely disappear all the WMD's that were transferred to Syria, rather than us just pretending they didn't exist. The possibilities here are endless.

And so let's all give out a big cheer to Great Leader George Soros and his creation, Media Matters. I'll admit that I once doubted his reasons for accumulating that vast fortune like a common imperialist dog. But it worked. Money really does have some uses. I assumed that offers of double-rations and praise-filled communiques would suffice in motivating people, but I stand corrected. Comrade Soros insisted that money was the root of all evil and I'm starting to see the wisdom of that. But all the same, I'll take my double-rations any day.