Nihilists of the Month: The Newburgh Four

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

Three words that best describe the four brave nihilists who implemented the most effective terrorist attack since 9/11: Simply the best.  There's no other way to put it.  These guys were nihilists of the highest order, and while they weren't in any way connected to our branch of nihilism; it's obvious that our hearts are in the same place (ie, the Human Heart Holding Facility in downtown Mecca).

TPM has a rundown on their bios, which makes it abundantly clear that these guys were miles above the rest of us.  They were jailbirds, drug addicts, and serial liars.  One guy lied about having been raised in Afghanistan, while another bragged about how he would have killed the "supreme Blood gang leader" with the gun he had just bought from him, if only they had been alone.  One guy smoked pot before the operation, while the schizo with the borderline IQ went off his meds in order to stay crazy.  Obviously, these are our kind of guys!

But alas, it seems even our best and brightest aren't capable of actually pulling off a terrorist attack, having been suckered in by the very government that we rely upon from cradle to grave.  Apparently, there must have been some major bureaucratic snafu for such a team-on-team blunder to have occurred.  Of course, we've been assured that terrorism is "not a law enforcement problem," so I can only assume it was a military operation that brought them down; and as we all know, the military is in no way controlled by our Big Daddy Industrialist Complex.

But still, success or no success, this was a huge success for nihilism.  The biggest we've had to date.  And sure, these guys had no proper training, no money, no history of violence, or even enough brains to stage a proper terrorist attack; but the fact that they even tried to stage any sort of organized event still puts them miles ahead of any other nihilist in the country.  While the rest of us were spending all our time at nihilist fever swamp hate-sites, heaping scorn and derision at the brave Americans who allow us the freedom to hate them; these nihilists were actually outside of their houses and meeting with one another.  Amazing.

And while it can be argued that such extroverted behavior completely betrays the lethargic do-nothing denialist ethos, the fact that all real Americans hate these guys is surely enough for us to let it slide.  They may not have acted like nihilists, but they sure are hated as if they were.  And that's something we can all appreciate.


(EDITOR'S NOTE: The above praise for the Newburgh Four is for entertainment purposes only.  The American Nihilist does not advocate or endorse terrorism in any way, shape, or form.  As nihilists, we only support anti-American thoughts, as we're all much too nihilistic to actually do things.)