The Gaying of RedState

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

In a comment on my recent post The Myth of Homosexuality, Nihilist-at-Arms ex DLB asks the burning question "how is it that the manliest of men, bloggers such as those at NRO and RedState, have been able to resist the brainwashing so far?"

And DLB hits upon one of the main reasons, which is that conservative women like Ann Coulter, Phyllis Schlafly, and Ayn Rand so embody the perfect feminine ideal that God intended for us to impregnate and spawn with that it's difficult for us to lure conservative men away with an inferior product. And yes, I say that as one who has personally swooned many a time from the siren song that is Ann Coulter. I'm sure we've all been there at one time or another. But as long as we dump ice down our drawers and keep singing the "Vagina is Bad" song, the temptation soon passes.

But that's only part of the problem. The real problem is that these guys are just so damn manly that our normal acts of brainwashing are utterly futile. While macho rockers like Freddie Mercury and Judas Priest's Rob Halford fell quickly, the macho elite at RedState function at a far higher level of heterosexuality. We haven't been able to woo them with roses or leather; and the gay cowboy thing totally fell flat on these guys. Rather than whet their taste for bow-legged sweat machines that smell like ass all the time, they were able to make lots of wisecracks, like "Gayback Mountain" and "Brokegay Mountain," and never even bothered seeing the movie. Clearly stronger temptations were needed to crack these nuts.

Indeed, data gathered from nihilist spyware implanted on the manly RedState servers show that these guys can look at oodles of gay porn all day long, yet barely show a blip on the penile reaction meter. Some analysts have suggested that this might be due to the small sample size they're working with, but with the way RedStaters swagger when they speak of sending other people into battle, this can hardly be the case. I mean, ever since President Bush first made his appearance in the flight suit, the men of RedState have definitely been walking with an extra wiggle in their waggle; presumably emulating their hero, the Codpiece-in-Chief.

No, most likely they're just made of tougher stuff than the typical American male; with more manly fortitude and twice as much gumption. That's believed to be the explanation as to how they can abstain from sex until their wedding night, as well as their preference for preserving the sacred act of lovemaking for the sole purpose of procreation. We can only assume that intercourse truly is more satisfying with God’s blessing, as the wives of RedState seem to be completely happy with this arrangement. In other news, the RedState pools have never been cleaner.

Revenge of the Confused

Of course, the biggest problem with the gaying of RedState is that patriotic wisemen like Rush Limbaugh have already given out the warning cry against any Hollywood production that doesn't involve Kiefer Sutherland torturing men in handcuffs. They know better than to watch our sissifying movies like Transformers, which eschew man-on-man violence for the chick-flick variety involving robots; which is far less satisfying to manly men who have a penchant for crushed testicles.

Transformers, btw, is a particularly nihilistic film, as objective reality is forced to bend itself into unsolvable paradoxes merely in the attempt to give definition to the main characters. Are they robots that turn into cars, or cars that turn into robots? Either way, one thing is certain: Many a young nihilist will be formed this summer due to that conundrum. Thanks Michael Bay; you're a tribute to nihilists everywhere.

And with Hollywood's impotence exposed, our latest efforts have been to focus on so-called "chicks with dicks" in order to get the RedStaters to drop their guard long enough for us to sneak the sumptuous penises under their radars, so to speak. Our records indicate that they've been downloading such pictures at a feverish rate, so hopefully we'll have more luck with that. But with guys this macho, it might not be enough. We might need to send in some full-on trannies to the RedState offices, as Castro originally suggested last summer. Unfortunately, I voted with Obama, Chavez, and the others to keep the trannies for ourselves and am already beginning to regret that decision.

And if that doesn't work, I really don't know what to do. I've done every perversion in the book, including two the fat cats in Washington won't tell you about, but even I'm at a loss as to how to make these guys gay. Seriously, we tried gay rockers, gay cowboys, gay athletes, gay politicians, gay cops, gay soldiers, gay fathers, gay teachers, gay priests, and gay rabbis; and all we got for our troubles was lots of anger, insults, and threats to kick our asses. And for as much as getting my ass kicked is one of my favorite perversions, I'm not sure if I could handle it coming from macho men like Moe Lane or Erick Erickson.

And so if the shemales and trannies don't work, there's only one last possible move: Hire Kiefer to play a gay FBI agent who shows how much gay fun it can be to crush the nuts of terrorists; assuming he'll do it. But I'm pretty sure his agent's a Jew, which puts him on our team. By god, having Jack Bauer rape Osama might be the last card we've got left to play. Let's hope it's enough.