Nihilist Action Alert: Victoria Jackson Has Our Playbook

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

An all-points nihilist action alert has been issued. You are immediately to cease & desist any and all nihilist plots you are engaging in and help locate and capture former SNL performer Victoria Jackson. You are also to obtain and destroy her copy of the nihilist playbook: How Barack Obama Will Destroy America by Pretending to be Nice.

It was only given to her because she had once been in the entertainment industry, and thus assumed to be a safe nihilist. And now she's quoting from it in order to foil our plans. Read this excerpt and tell me this didn't come straight from our manual:

I’d been wondering why the liberals are so passionate about this Health Care thing. It couldn’t be because they actually care about sick, poor people. If they did, they would visit hospitals, and give ten percent of their gross salaries to Compassion International and World Vision, like us stupid church go-ers do. Biden gave $ 62 to charity last year.

No, there’s gotta be a catch. I guess this question was sitting in my brain and during my sleep, my brain was working on it, because when I suddenly awoke at 3 a.m. I had the answer. Euthanasia!

Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can’t speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude, really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!

Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas!

Ahh, nice try Ms. Jackson. You simply dreamed the exact details of our plot against humanity, right down to the long fake nails that our non-English speaking DMV people will have when they mumble to you about paperwork. Right.

And we're to imagine that this exact quote came to you in that same dream:

The “New Health Plan”, happy, happy, will allow the government to decide who lives and who dies”

Right. She even got the "happy, happy" part right, just as Gaddafi had originally written it twenty years ago. It's simply undeniable that she's got our book and doesn't fear us enough to stop quoting from it. Victoria Jackson must be stopped!

Nihilist Defense Not Enough

And sure, some of us nihilist denialists might try to suggest that many "grandmas" are already in a little known government health plan called "Medicare," and seem to like it. But it's obvious that Jackson is so ahead of us that she failed to mention it completely. I mean, if she's savvy enough to know that Biden only contributed $62 to charity in 2008, even though his tax return shows that he contributed $1885; it's obvious she's totally on to us. I can only assume she's also savvy enough to know we doctored Palin's tax return to make it look like she only tithes 2% of her gross income.

Fortunately, we were alerted to this breach in security by our nihilist agents in the Burbank store that she was browsing, as she accidentally tipped her hand by spilling the beans about everything. But as good nihilists, these employees all knew to smile at her like she was a crazy person they were humoring. She even told them of Obama's plan to keep us all filthy by using Cap & Trade to limit how long our showers can be; thus making us live shorter, unhappier lives. But people will get used to half minute showers...eventually.

And so it's obvious that Ms. Jackson must be stopped at all costs. So you are hereby ordered to stop whatever you're doing before people start listening to her and coming to their senses. And that includes you guys in the Photoshop Division, busily undermining America by making conservatives look silly. I know that making Palin's baby look ugly is one of the most important jobs we've got, but finding Ms. Jackson is of more importance. Our assault on special needs babies will simply have to wait.

We got lucky that she tried this in a nihilist gift shop in Burbank. Next time, she might be in Topeka and we won't be so lucky. So let's stop this woman and retrieve our manual before real Americans finally figure out what's going on and impeach us all.