Nihilist of the Week: Deserter 1st Class Bowe Bergdahl

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

After Obama, Ayers, Manson, and I masterminded 9/11 as a way of tricking courageous Americans to send their precious sons to be shredded in the Afghanistan death machine, we went out and celebrated by drinking fermented gruel while flogging ourselves with our former penises (encrusted with pieces of rock chipped off of Mount Rushmore, of course). It was a good time had by all.

But our hubris in rushing to the gruel and penis flogging was a big mistake, as we hadn't counted on Bush's immense popularity overcoming ACORN's ballot stuffing; thus allowing him to overcome the 30-point margin we had planned for Gore. And being the nihilistic bureaucrats we are, we simply weren't able to change the plan we had set it in motion ten years earlier, no matter how hard we tried. Needless to say, President Bush saw through our charade and was wise enough to attack our weak spot in Iraq; only giving cursory attacks to our nihilist allies in Afghanistan, which was our strong point. I still walk with glass in my shoes in memory of my horrible blunder in this regard.

But with Obama in charge and taking our troops out of Iraq and into the deathtrap of Afghanistan, we're finally setting things straight and I'm feeling more confident that I'll be taking that glass out by the end of the year. Yet, things aren't going nearly as quagmirish as I had originally planned. I mean, here we are a good seven months into Obama's presidency, yet the death count in Afghanistan is well under the 20,000 troops our analysts had initially projected. In fact, there appear to only be 215 fatalities so far this year, almost half of whom weren't even American! What's the point of that? If we wanted to kill foreigners, we'd just increase the size of their socialist healthcare systems.

Protecting the Protectors

So long story short, I wanted to give a great big Nihilist of the Week to former Private 1st Class Bowe Bergdahl for creating his own Pentagon PR nightmare by deserting the military and getting kidnapped by the Taliban.

While most nihilists are far too lethargic to possibly be allowed into the military (particularly once they uncover our predilection for gay pet sex (which they've always uncovered)), Bergdahl was able to muster all his denialist skillz in order to trick the mightiest military in history into wrongly believing that he was one of them long enough to pass basic training, get sent to Afghanistan, and arrange for his own capture.

And now he's sitting pretty eating falafels and hummus with our nihilist soulmates in some awesome Pakistani hovel, while we're stuck here in the Great Satan eating gruel in our mothers' basements. Damn, it's enough to make a man want to join the military, just for the privilege of finally going to the Motherland.

And this is a great coup for us. One measly death is easily ignored. But a solider being "kidnapped"? That's a news story that keeps on giving. It makes us look weak and helpless. Hey, how can we protect the world if we can't even protect our own troops, right? Americans are shitting themselves just thinking about it, I can tell. And the fact that it was an anti-American nihilist who did this will never occur to any of them.

Stupid SOB's are lionizing one of America's greatest enemies. It's enough to make me wish I hadn't removed the humor portion of my brain.

Just Deserts

Not that the military wasn't on to Bergdahl the moment he stepped off that army base. It's apparent that real men like Bill O'Reilly and retired Army Lt. Col. Ralph Peters know the truth about Bergdahl's desertion. But that just works to our advantage too. Now we can paint them as cold-hearted blowhards who hate our troops. And sure, WE know the truth and O'Reilly and Peters clearly know the truth, but who's going to believe them? They're attacking a captured soldier and calling him a crazy nut. How is Joe American supposed to know that he really IS one of us crazy nuts?

And once our media is finished turning Bergdahl into the greatest American hero in military history, people would rather pluck out O'Reilly's eyeballs with their own tongue than to listen to a word he has to say. (I'd say we killed two birds with one stone here, but our PETA overlords have forbidden that particular analogy, due to its cruel overtones towards birds and stones.) And we all have Nihilist 1st Class Bergdahl to thank for this.

So here's a big nihilist cheer to Bergdahl for all the great work he's done. Let him serve as an example of the sort of outside-the-box thinking I wish some of you would engage in more often. I myself would join the military and be kidnapped, but my work sitting here typing is far too important to allow me any such luxury. But don't let that stop you, unless of course your work is also more important than getting kidnapped; in which case you're perfectly justified in staying home and typing against the enemy. But as for the rest of you, get to work! Our military isn't just going to surrender itself.