Ted Kennedy: Nihilism's Latest Victim

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

As you probably heard by now, Senator Ted Kennedy has been killed by nihilist assassins who were ordered to execute the disgraced Senator because he was on the verge of implicating nihilist leaders Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter, and Pol Pot in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.

Naturally, we are keeping with the brain cancer cover story, as a way of ensuring that we get Obama's death panels included in the final healthcare legislation. After all, without the death panels, all we get is a bill which destroys Medicare and puts thousands of hardworking health insurance entrepreneurs out of business. A worthy goal, to be sure, but hardly worth all the fuss. The death panels are where it's at.

And trust me, if the mock panels we've been running in the Whitehouse basement are any indication, these should be a load of fun. For as much as people focus on us killing old grannies, nothing compares with watching some quadriplegic kid trying to pretend he might be the next Stephen Hawking; in a vain effort that we might save his life by allowing him to have healthcare.

And the best part is how we sit in stony silence, watching them get all nervous and start stumbling over the "facts" they so meticulously memorized; and right as they complete their pathetic presentations, we pull out the real Dr. Hawking (who is faking it, btw) to put the little crippled jerks in their place by blasting their moronic Grand Unification Theories into pieces. Some of them even get it right, but that just makes us laugh at them even more.

Hawking was so rough on one kid that he actually tried to off himself right there in front of the panel, but he was too unproductive to even kill himself, and we all got a big laugh as he squirmed on the floor shrieking. It ended when Hawking got out of his chair, grabbed the kid by the throat, lifted him off the ground, spit in his face, and then pulled the kid's heart out through his stomach and showed it to the little bugger before he died. Stephen Hawking is truly an amazing man.

The Truth About Chappaquiddick

And the irony is that this was all our fault. We gave Teddy the brain cancer; just like we gave Bob Marley cancer after he tried to betray us. Someone leaked him a copy of Obama's real healthcare plan last year and he started asking some tough questions that we didn't have answers to. He wanted to know why we were gutting Medicare, and thought it was unethical for us to introduce a profit motive to doctors, by giving them financial incentives to provide extra services. So we put some tumors in his bourbon, so he'd be too stupid to keep asking questions. And viola, rather than expressing his legitimate concerns about Obamacare, he joined us in assailing anyone who dared to read the legislation.

But then some bible study group in Missouri prayed for the dude over the weekend and God decided to cure the guy. Talk about bad timing! And once Kennedy realized what had happened, he decided to accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior and devote his life to God; instead of Satan, as before And so he was going to make an announcement later today in which he exposed everything. And I mean, everything!

And the first thing he was going to do was tell everyone about how Obama, Carter, and Pot got high on freon and killed Mary Jo Kopechne during a late night gang rape in Chappaquiddick. And this was really bad for us, as we had already pinned the future of our party on those three dudes; yet they had no clout with the cops in Massachusetts. But...we knew a certain Kennedy who did. And so we called up Teddy, arranged to have him take the fall, and the rest is history.

And he was always bitter about that, as he was already set to be elected president in 1968. But because Carter's and Obama's presidencies, as well as Pot's takeover in 2013, were seen as being more important than Kennedy's, Kennedy lost his shot. And he resented it ever since, which is why he developed his drinking problem; particularly since he was only going to be president as reward for his silence after we assassinated all three of his older brothers. But we kept him so fearful of his own life that he never did say anything, but instead, became a loyal patsy to the very people who destroyed his family, ruined his life, and eventually killed him. Whoever said nihilism wasn't fun?

But anyway, enough of that. I just wanted to confirm that all of this is true, which is why you should never ever never mention it to anyone. And if anyone suggests that any of this is true, be sure to call them a rightwing astroturf thug and threaten to have union goons walk around outside their houses late at night. That should silence them long enough for us to get our death panel gameshow on the air, and then nobody can stop us!