Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain
It is with great joy and femininity that I humbly announce the brilliant and proudful martyring of a supreme nihilist leader, Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden. Born Lewis Herschwitz in Queens New York, he quickly rose the ranks of nihilism under the tutelage of The Very Reverend Jeremiah Wright before being assigned the greatest role of his life: Playing his Eminence Osama Bin Laden, Islamonihilist Extraordinaire.
It started out as a simple plan: The Soviet Union would pretend to invade Afghanistan, in order to create instability so our Islamonihilist agents The Taliban could instill terror and Sharia Law across the land; to punish the Christian God, who we hate. Meanwhile, the stupid capitalist imperialist American pigs would naively funnel billions of dollars of weaponry and training to our Islamonihilist buddies led by Herschwitz, while we secretly manufactured heroin which we used to buy votes in American inner-cities, to keep them all docile, lazy, and stupid; just as FDR suggested we do.
Little did we know that Herschwitz's character would prove so popular that the Muslim sheep would anoint him the Grand Poohbah of All Muslims; repeating the success we had with our previous Islamonihilist jihadist, Tom Lawrence. And with the help of the Muslim Brotherhood, Tupac Shakur, Hamas, and ACORN, Osama Bin Laden's nihilist reign of terror shook the world from coast to coast. And now he has achieved his greatest reward, supreme martyrdom; and at the hands of the High Holy Highest Barack Hussein Ayatollah Ayers Bin Obama. After all, nothing is more nihilistic than sacrificing your life for nothing.
And so we salute you and your martyrdom, Comrade Herschwitz of Queens. May all your like-minded allies soon join you in Nihilist Heaven. Their rewards can't come soon enough. As for the rest of us, we will celebrate by giving our weekly gruel rations to our pets while we flagellate ourselves with synthetic beef jerky. It's what Bin Laden would have wanted us to do.
1 hour ago
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5 comments:
Brilliance, as always...
We miss you around here, Doc... Please grace us with your BioNihilistDenialist polecat presence and presents more often.
May it be done.
Bio, it's a shame that the only time we all get together is on these sad occasions. And Lewis, hope you're getting your just reward.
Whatever, I've been having a hard enough time writing straight material for my own blog. This nihilist triple-jitsu writing is ruff. This one in particular was difficult, as I would prefer to not be visited by government agents who lacked a sense of irony and wanted to know more about my support for Bin Laden.
There's a fine line between satire and treason, as it turns out; and I'd prefer to be on the right side of it.
But just so you know, if the feds do pinch me, I'm going to tell them anything they want to hear about you. There's no loyalty among nihilists and I'm not doing time. I'll have y'all waterboarded by sunrise, guaranteed.
This one in particular was difficult, as I would prefer to not be visited by government agents who lacked a sense of irony and wanted to know more about my support for Bin Laden.
I know how you feel. I felt awkward just writing a response to it. Not sure government agents have any better sense of humor working for Obama (hallowed be His name) than they did under George Bush.
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